wow i havent been on in forever. idk my weight, i havent weighed myself in at least two weeks. that seems so outrageous, seeing as i used to weigh myself about twenty times a day... im really starting to try again. im workinga ton at my summer job, so i can avoid eating at those times. like today, i work eight hours through two meals so... i need to find some more good thinspo.
stay strong everyone! 

im doing the abc diet starting this summer or as soon as i stop lacrosse. maybe i can get through two cycles...

breakfast- coffee
lunch- nothing
dinner- nothing so far, but i just ate a handful of crackers

i'd say about 100 cals so far ^_^
i just feel happier when im 'empty'
hope everyone else is doing well

blah blah blah
had hummus for dinner and i've a pulled hamstring
blah blah blah.

ugh lacrosse practice was absolutely hellish
it was rainy and we ran practically the whole time.
2.5 hours... thats at least 500 cals

i feel... horrible. my school is on spring break this week and im going to the beach thru saturday. im not ogin to eat anymore today. ill go as far as i can tomorrow.
when i eat, i know im not hungry! i just cant stop. im going to keep busy for the resst of the week and tr to stay under 500 cals. no! even better! i need structure, so ill do 2468 starting tomorrow. ok ill just try to make it through one cycle... i can do that, right?

ive kind of been through hell lately. my weight is rediculous.  the boy i liked is an asshole. i dont like anyone now and thats kind of depressing. screw it. ive decided to lose thirty lbs this summer starting with a week long fast

fast today (10-28)
at least ten cups of water too
cw-179.6
4.6 lbs to go until i wont feel horrible about going back to school
<3

fasting again tomorrow because today was kind of an epic fail lol.
and im hanging out with the jerk who's been giving me issues on monday... so it'd amazing if i didnt eat until then.
oh and im going to a movie with a really good friend tomorrow afternoon so no dinner shouldnt be hard... i just have to avoid snacking at night. easier said than done haha.
ok i dont know what my weight is, but it was 176.6 before i ate so im guessing... 178-ish...
i gues im happy... id like to be down to 174 by next monday
<3

day one almost over
bed around 10:00 pm
good luck to evryone whos fasting with me today
stay strong!

12:00 noon first day of fast
im doing ok. im posting rather pathetically because im really devoted and i want to do this for myself. i listened to king adora's big isnt beautiful for about and hour over and over again and its pretty much burned into my brain lol. im just going to take this an hour at a time... like im NOT going to eat at LEAST until 1,2,3, etc...
i can do this. i also watched an hour of 'ruby' and it wasnt like reverse thinspo because i really love her. its like wow, she's doin this and its a thousand times harder for her so i can try harder too.
and my scale that i got for christmas!! its making me two lbs heavier. yeah slap in the face haha
im not sure if i want to do this intensively or extensively... like do i want to fast until im (x) weight or do i want to fast for two days?
oh well. im just trying to motivate myself b/c i really dont want to have to write 'i ate today'
ok hope everyone i amazing

ugh... the sad thing is im trying...
do ya'll think its better to allow other excesses when youre restricting food or to just cut down on everything all together?

     my 'friend', who hurt me in a way that ive never been hurt before, is speaking to me again. not only that, he's flirting mercilessly. im not sure i like this. i know its going to be the same old shit. im just going to get pulled into him and his amazing personality and waste another year. despite what ive managed to convince myself, im not ready to let him go. our relationship and dynamic has definately changed. he's a lot more caring and... idk. the only way to describe it is 'close'
     im not sure i like this...

i bought some diet pills yesterday at gnc...
theyre called 'size 0' and 'nv', the one endorsed by carmen electra. they were crazy on sale. like got them for three dollars from fifty.
thats actally not too promising haha. idk, i cant really give much on results yet... do you think its safe to take them at the same time? can you o.d. on... supplements?
hope everyone else is doing fantastic

i think i know why im not able to focus on weightloss...
im really being stretched thin right now. my two (ex) best and oldest friends, ive decided, have no place in my life. theyre horrible people, and i cant overlook it anymore. this year, ive completely relooked everyone in my life. im ignoring previous ties and seeing if they are truly good for ME. its caused fights and as recently as this afternoon, a bombardment of texts saying what a horrible person i am. well ive outgrown them. sorry. this is suprisingly easy. ive been expecting it for a long time.

anyway, doing good on my fast. then again, it hasnt even been a full day yet, but im still happy.
id like to last until at least tomorrow afternoon.
hope everying is doing more lovely than i!!

three more miles running, ten more cycling!!
550 cals burned!!

going to the Y tomorrow!!!
i kinda want to pass out when im with him just so the stupid jerk face will worry.
but at least i acknowledge it an ican kee myself from doing it... possibly

whoo!! ran two miles and biked seven!!!

another letter to me-

dear me,
stop eating missy! you've let this go way too far. fuck the boy who didnt even care enough about you to brake your heart; he just pushed it aside and let you hurt for weeks. you've got to do this for yourself. you can't trust anyone. who wants to be the confidante of a fat disgusting pig. PUT THE FORK DOWN!! remember, time spent wasting is not wasted time. envoke photosynthesis: just sit and feel a sense of satisfaction that tells you that you are better than all those people who let food control their lives. finally, after all your hard work, they will see that you are beautiful, that you are on a whole different level than them. they dont deserve to pass judgement.

it was my b-day yesterday and among the spoils?
a gym membership!!! yaaayyyy!!!!!
on my way today!